There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
