____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
