No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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