i jhust puked up my retainher.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
