I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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