I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
