Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize