he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
