my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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