I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
