1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
