can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize