OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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