You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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