im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize