What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
