I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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