So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
