His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
