i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
