i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
