I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
