One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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