I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
