If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize