I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
