The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
