Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
