oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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