i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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