Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
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