I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
