there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
