today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
