he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
