I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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