if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
