Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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