holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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