u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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