If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
