i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
