I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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