Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
