Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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