It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
