Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
