It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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