Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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