Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
