I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
