So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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