Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The best revenge is premature balding
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
