this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
