tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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