What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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