Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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