I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
