You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
