oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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