her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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