my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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