I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
