I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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