I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
